I look forward to e-mailing you tomorrow and helping you find a local post-abortion healing ministry. He convinced me to lie to my family and friends and tell them I lost the baby. I have never had a friend to get close enough to be able to confide in. He physically and mentally abused me for years and I still think I deserved it. I can’t get help for it because I won’t admit what I did much less talk about it.
He drove me to get the abortion but didn’t want me using his last name so I used my maiden name. I remember while I was waiting for “my turn” crying my eyes out. I never knew that there was a name for what I became after the abortion until I watched an episode on “Touched By An Angel” the other night. He turned my son against me when I finally got the courage to divorce him. Just typing this makes me want to scream but I don’t.
Not only was I being judged by myself, my husband and God, but by the other women and their men sitting in that room. Calling me every half an hour to ask if I had taken the pills or if I had started bleeding yet.
Abortion is definitely something that you want to go through alone, but shouldn’t. I remember sitting in the empty bathtub, a stream of blood running to the drain, holding this tiny mass of tissue in my hand. I sat there for hours, crying and puffy eyed, holding the tiny body in my fingers wondering what have I done.
Thank you, for leaving me your e-mail address because this will provide a way for me to respond to you further tomorrow. Until we are able to have some e-mail exchange, I encourage you to be good to yourself: take time to do things you enjoy, things that usually make you feel happy (even if you do not feel happy right now) – watch an uplifting movie or TV show, read a book or magazine, take little cat naps during the day if you are having difficulty sleeping at night. Immediately after we got married he started talking about getting an abortion.
A brief word about having had three abortions – God can forgive this and I know from my work with women who have had three or more abortions, your little ones will forgive you too and one day you will be able to receive this forgiveness from them and from God. When I look back now he really pressured me and brainwashed me into thinking that it was the right thing. I stayed married to this man for 17 years, the whole time him telling me that I deserved the abuse he gave me. I have lived for so long with a broken heart that won’t heal, a heart that no one can love, and a soul screaming for release from this body.
He married me because he thought he could ‘help’ me but then realized I wasn’t worth giving up any more of his time or youth for. And who could care about or love someone who can’t protect her own flesh? I avoid the pain and bury it deep, but it is still there. I feel like it has been a life time of regret, but it has only been a little over three years. Babies…please forgive me, I still love you and I know I have a horrible way of showing it.
It was November, my freshman year of college 2007 when I first took those little white pills. Not only was I convinced to get an abortion once, but it happened two more times.
He was going over seas soon and wanted to be there for the baby and I.